Sun in 20° Sagittarius
Waning Moon in 9° Scorpio
8:29am – Snoozed multiple times and up after 8. Was in bed late, with just a weak midnight adoration, after watching Gone With the Wind and playing iPad backgammon for four hours plus. Overall, it was an upsetting birthday.
After receiving G.K.’s text, I had the impulse to FaceTime her, let her know I wasn’t still angry over our last interaction (at the end of which I hung up on her and haven’t talked since), but I didn’t have the time, nor the will to go into all that. After a work meeting, I resolved to call dad back, and that conversation spiraled down into argument over the election and I yelled and hung up on him (the parallel with G.K. is not lost on me). M.A. had sent a sweet text and called me, which was nice… looking forward to spending Solstice in a warm swimming pool at her place. Texts from mom and later in the evening, brother Dan. Text and generous gift from Mare and John. And, most significantly, J offered the 5-D chess and G bought me dinner. I was more moved by that than anything else. Family, my one friend, and an ex-girlfriend.
The fight with dad burns in me, and I can find no rational way to find a point of connection with him. During the conversation he asked if I had forgiven him, mom and grandpa for “what happened to me”. I told him I wasn’t sure what he was referring to, and he told a story of how grandpa confessed to him before his death that he (Grandpa) had broken up mom and dad’s marriage so that he could have me for a son. These stories he tells, and his own failure to take responsibility enrages me. That and his resonance with the right wing figures which I despise. I feel the rage burning in me, doing my own body and mind harm, and I wonder how to get to a place of love, or acceptance.
Dad spoke of voices in the South wanting again to secede (“What do they have in common with the northern states and California?”)… perhaps this has been my fascination with watching Civil War epics this past week. Gone With the Wind last night reminded me of the myth they tell, a gentle, graceful land of “cavaliers and cotton”. Now it’s Christianity and “family values”.
Well, I said I wanted a week of purification, and now as the moon wanes some serious shit comes up for my perusal.
10:01am – Spent some time reading the Bring4th forum on current events and witnessed the same polarization (with a few calm voices counseling to look beyond the polarities). Then LBRP, MP, and 19 minutes of sitting. Didn’t stay still, keep the eyes closed… it was a stretch just to keep the breath rhythmic. Still, glad I sat.
11:35am – Spent the morning tidying the house, holding the conundrum of how to love my dad. Then I got hit by a bolt of inspiration and followed through on it, calling him to propose that we schedule bi-weekly calls, to be recorded, where we’ll interview each other, the interviewing party asking questions only. He readily agreed and I feel much lighter and balanced after reaching out.
12:23 – S&C planning call with M.A. and A.M. re crown.
12:50pm – Noon adoration, and have changed the Berkey filter (after nearly a year and a half of disuse).